Today is a dark day. I'm not sure if those sorts of days happen to you but I imagine they do, at least to some of you. Today I feel tired, anxious and frustrated. Everywhere I look I see the long lists of things I need to do. I feel frantic. The house is messy and I have too much laundry. Today when I see awesome things happening to people, I feel left out. Normally, I would be joyous and love seeing people's happy news. This makes me feel worse because then I feel like I'm being selfish because people are truly suffering in the world and who am I (so insanely blessed) to be moping about feeling like this. It's embarrassing to be (at least momentarily) so ungrateful.
I am no longer seeing the forest but only a few trees. I know this day will pass, thankfully. Maybe I'm just tired and worn out? I was sick all last week and it's been exhausting. Maybe it's hormonal or maybe I just need a hot bath. Maybe I'm feeling vulnerable about the last rounds of proofs on my upcoming book? Who knows...
As it happens with these sorts of things, the universe sent me a message. It was via my sister-in-law who posted a video on Facebook of Tom Waits (one of my idols) reading a poem by Bukowski, called The Laughing Heart. In case you are having a crappy day (or week, or month or year for that matter), I thought I'd share it with you. I love it. I'm inspired by it.
I'm thinking of people that I know who suffer with depression and I'm sending love out to them with this post. This is just a bad day for me and, while they may come now and again, they don't debilitate me long term. To my friends Samantha and David who left me too early because of depression. To Jenny who makes me laugh out loud at least a few times per week. She has been very vocal on her blog about her struggle with depression and it has been such an amazing inspiration for so many. Like this poem, Jenny inspires me. And to you, if you also need some love tonight.
The Laughing Heart
by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Now, it's time to go curl up in bed, get some much needed rest, ignore my pile of unread emails and stop being so hard on myself. The gods are waiting to delight in me tomorrow and I need to be ready.
Brene says:
Beautiful.Thank you.
(02.11.13 @ 09:39 PM)
Claudia Eubanks says:
You know, I think the universe was sending me a message with your post too. I am usually a glass half full kind of person, but lately I have been having too many glass half empty kind of thoughts. Like so half empty that it is bone dry... I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has blue days. Like you, I know this will pass, but man, it feels like it's taking a really long time to do so.
(02.11.13 @ 09:43 PM)
Katie Rentfro says:
I'm with Claudia - I'm definitely a glass half full type of gal but today was a blah one for me too. It's always a beautiful thing to read another person's journey & bubble over with the "ME TOO" emotion. Thank you for this. Tomorrow is a new day & I'm grateful for days that may seem lower because I appreciate the high ones even more (but not always in the moment :). x
(02.11.13 @ 09:50 PM)
Carol says:
Keep your head up. :-)
(02.11.13 @ 09:51 PM)
Eva says:
Thank you for the shaing, just perfect timing after I feel low and you made me climbing back, what a wonderful read. I am glad being this moment here, life is brighter, we should enjoy more....
(02.12.13 @ 01:07 AM)
J macintyre says:
Wonderfully inspiring
(02.12.13 @ 04:56 AM)
brian r says:
Touch
(02.12.13 @ 08:14 AM)
brian r says:
Touche. Thank you for sharing.
(02.12.13 @ 08:19 AM)
Anonymous says:
Thank you Brene, Claudia, Katie, Carol, Eva, J Mac and Brian! I appreciate your comments!
(02.12.13 @ 09:26 PM)
Deirdre says:
Followed Brene's tweet here, and am so grateful. A new favorite poem I will carry in my pocket and share with my boys. How to build a laughing heart...
(02.13.13 @ 02:20 PM)
sweigh says:
thank you for your heart and for sharing the poem... I too followed Brene here and am grateful I did!
(02.13.13 @ 11:48 PM)
The other day I was walking through the living room while my husband was watching sports. A female sportscaster (Erin Andrews) was talking and next to her was her co-host. The male co-host was dressed in a normal professional suit. Erin looked like she was going to a cocktail party. She was wearing a sleeveless, skin tight red mini dress and heels...at a football game.
A few days before that, I saw a picture of two radio personalities. I wish I knew their names so I could go look up this picture for you. Apparently they are a man-woman radio duo. The image was a publicity shot (like a headshot, sort of). The man was sitting on a chair next to a table. He was casually leaned forward engaging the camera and smiling naturally. He was wearing a casual shirt, jacket and pants combo. His partner was ON the table, on her back propped up on her elbows with her leg crossed and sticking up. She was wearing a skimpy skirt so her entire thigh was showing and she had on super high heels. She had her head thrown back like, oh look at me..ha-ha! Gross.
What is going on ladies?! I was walking through Toys R Us recently and even the new dolls are looking racy. My mom and I were looking at baby dolls for Einin (my daughter) and a few of them seriously looked like they had make up on. They're not all bad. I did see these dolls that are so much cooler-smarter-relatable than these awful things. Point being, this messaging starts from the cradle!
It's not getting better as women move up into positions of power. In fact, it seems to be getting worse! Often, it's the powerful women, themselves, selling themselves out. When women don't do it to themselves, we (the media and the public) do it for them by picking them apart and criticizing them about their bodies.
These bodies we inhabit are only vessels. They're like a machine that our souls and minds operate. It's an extraordinary vessel, no doubt. Mine has allowed me to create children, feed them, make art, love and be loved, move around the world, explore and learn. The media is not creating an homage to the unbelievable machine of a body that we have. It's only focused on how we look, our sexual bodies. It's not focused on the inner workings but only on the exterior veneer.
I am NOT my exterior and neither are you. Stop the madness. Do your best to stop obsessing about your body (I'm trying, too). Don't criticize powerful women about stupid stuff like their clothes or their bodies. Disagree with their views but leave their looks out of it, it's irrelevant. Vote for strong, smart women. If sex is selling, stop buying! Don't criticize your looks in front of your daughters (or sons). Exercise and eat well because it keeps your machine strong and allows you to feel good and do more, not just to be skinny or sexy. Read books and ditch the garbage magazines. Don't watch stuff on TV that objectifies, humiliates and criticizes.
Above all ladies, It's time to put our clothes back on!
---
Edited to add: Thanks to my friend Jenny for filling in the gaps. The table image I was referring to is here. The woman is a recognized journalist (TV, not radio). Frankly, the image is worse than I remembered. I found a great article about the image on Salon.com. I especially like the last few sentences. It's not only Mika and Rihanna (etc) that are culpable.
Sharon Chandler says:
YOU ROCK, Farrah Braniff! Your kids are SO lucky!
(11.29.12 @ 10:34 PM)
Jenny says:
Well said, Farrah. And that other photo you mentioned? I think I know what you're talking about. Was so sorry this woman felt the need to do this, I like her TV show:
http://jezebel.com/Mika-Brzezinski/
(11.29.12 @ 10:36 PM)
Farrah says:
Jenny! That's the photo! Thank you for finding it. It's even worse than i remembered.
(11.29.12 @ 10:45 PM)
mia poehlmann says:
Amen Farrah! You are RIGHT ON! (and lets be real -Farrah you're beautiful!)
(11.30.12 @ 12:01 AM)
Donna K says:
Absolutely agree Farrah!! Amen and Amen!
(11.30.12 @ 06:04 AM)
Farrah says:
Thanks for the comments everyone! I appreciate them so much!
(11.30.12 @ 12:03 PM)
Farrah says:
Thanks for the comments everyone! I appreciate them so much!
(11.30.12 @ 12:05 PM)
Erin says:
Thank you for posting this! I've felt strongly about this issue for years, and even more so now that I'm raising two little girls.
(12.01.12 @ 02:28 PM)
Daniel says:
Couldn't agree more. Thank you for saying it!
(01.01.13 @ 09:37 AM)
You might think that doing something that you love (like art) would be easy. That, because it matters so much to you, it would fuel you and make you leap out of bed everyday excited to work. That is absolutely NOT true. In fact, doing work that truly matters to your heart and soul is tremendously difficult. It's difficult because it requires that you dig deep inside of yourself and unearth the most fragile and precious parts of your mind and heart and bring them out into the light. You have to actually show them to people and allow them to comment on them. You have to listen as they critique. Sure, you can hide away and make work that is protected and free from critical eyes but, let's be honest, that doesn't really work either. At some point, you have to face the fear and the resistance.
I've been reading a new book and it's a life changer. It's called The War of Art (by Steven Pressfield). It's spot on and should be required reading for all artists. His chapters on resistance are changing my life. I've always thought about the fear and vulnerability in art making as inherent to the process. While I still acknowledge that part of the process, I also see that the fear is a form of resistance. It's one of the many forces that are hard at work keeping you away from the work you need to be doing.
People who know me well will say that I have a gypsy spirit and that I'm restless. I would say it too. I love a good move...a new house, a new town, a new studio (I've had 5 in 9 years). I like travel, change and motion. I like to repaint and redecorate. I rearrange my studio every few months. I like new things and I love to shop. I can get to a place where I have so many things on my plate that it's hard to do any one of them well. While I think that part of this restlessness is positive and keeps me moving forward and inspires curiosity and exploration, part of it is resistance. The urge to go-buy-change-acquire is, in part, the voice of resistance in my ear trying to pull me away from the work I need to do. So when I came across this paragraph, I was frozen...
"What makes it tricky is that we live in a consumer culture that's acutely aware of this unhappiness and has massed all its profit-seeking artillery to exploit it. By selling us a product, a drug, a distraction. As artists and professionals it is our obligation to enact our own internal revolution, a private insurrection inside our own skulls. In this uprising we free ourselves from the tyranny of consumer culture. We overthrow the programming of advertising, movies, video games, magazines, TV, and MTV by which we have been hypnotized from the cradle. We unplug ourselves from the grid by recognizing that we will never cure our restlessness by contributing to the bottom line of Bullshit, Inc., but only by doing our work."
Seriously...this is not just about art, right? I mean that paragraph applies to us all. It's about anything that requires heart and bravery. It's about doing something meaningful with your life and your work and pressing the mute button on the culture at large that just fuels the fires of resistance.
What this makes me think is that these fragile bits, those warm and fuzzy places inside of our hearts are where we will find what we need. When we nurture them in spite of the fear and pay attention to the myriad of tiny distractions that stand in our path like huge mousetraps. When we acknowledge that moving into the fear is the only way we can get anywhere meaningful...that is when the good work will be done.
"Fear is good.Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it."
MIchelle McDaid says:
LOVE this Farrah. It's so true. And you and I sound like soul-mates. I drive my husband NUTS with my desire to travel, move, re-decorate, change, and constantly be GOING somewhere. I couldn't have said it all better than myself. The hardest part of being creative and like *this* is that we also have to be still and in-the-moment, and stop to look around ourselves to take it all in vs. moving onto the next thing all the time.
(11.28.12 @ 12:29 AM)
Corey Williams says:
Beautifully written. I'm Amazoning the book right now. I'm struggling to find a balance between my brand and my art. And then, sell pieces to my client that they want and love. Couple that with my restless nature and whew! To be constantly creating something visual, is one part blessing and another party craziness. My life, my world, my family are full of beauty because of it From the arrangement of my children's rooms to the dinner on their plate. And it's intentionally so - to make them feel happy, warm, loved and special. The downside - I don't sleep. I burn myself out. I have moments where I'm so tired I just cry. When all of the inspiration and love of beautiful things feels like an albatross. And when I wish I were just like everyone else. So, I need a time and place for rejuvenation. And maybe that's a place/space free of media. Hmmm... Can't wait to read the book.
(11.28.12 @ 02:02 PM)
Corey Williams says:
Beautifully written. I'm Amazoning the book right now. I'm struggling to find a balance between my brand and my art. And then, sell pieces to my client that they want and love. Couple that with my restless nature and whew! To be constantly creating something visual, is one part blessing and another party craziness. My life, my world, my family are full of beauty because of it From the arrangement of my children's rooms to the dinner on their plate. And it's intentionally so - to make them feel happy, warm, loved and special. The downside - I don't sleep. I burn myself out. I have moments where I'm so tired I just cry. When all of the inspiration and love of beautiful things feels like an albatross. And when I wish I were just like everyone else. So, I need a time and place for rejuvenation. And maybe that's a place/space free of media. Hmmm... Can't wait to read the book.
(11.28.12 @ 02:03 PM)
I have a love-hate relationship with nursing. Hate is a bit strong actually. It's more accurate to say that it's a nuisance at times. I don't love the special clippy bras or the (ugh) pump. I don't love how it makes me so much bigger up top and makes my clothes fit weird. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere and not think about the feeding schedule. Yes, there are the times that I want to just let it go but then there are the other times...
The times when I'm sitting in the half light of her room and she's tucked up against me. The light from the hallway spills in and, ever so softly, skims across her face. It's a face so impossibly beautiful that I think my heart might just break from loving her. I twirl little bits of her hair in between my fingers (blonde hair, so unlike my own) and think to myself that she must have been delivered by the fairies.
Every so often I see a flash of the adult lying dormant inside her baby's face. Holding her little relaxed hand I see her Father's fingernails. Her still, slack weight rests so perfectly against the curve of my belly that may never be taught again. In that dreamy space, dark and still with only the shushing of her white noise machine, I feel so grateful.
Of course, I'll stop nursing her eventually but, for now, it's as if the universe is saying...here you go, you've worked so hard. I'm giving you this gift. Be still and enjoy it. And I do.
Kelly B says:
Spot on, Farrah! It's the best gift on Earth, for mother and child.
(10.16.12 @ 08:07 AM)
Claudia says:
beautiful...
(10.16.12 @ 09:14 PM)
Rebeca says:
Spot on Farrah! You used so many words that have run across my mind many times .. feeding schedules and nuisance. But most of those other times, it's so perfect. I look down at her little face and her blue eyes look up to meet mine, and she gives me a little grin. That reminds me that it's all worth it.
(11.03.12 @ 07:23 AM)
mia poehlmann says:
Oh Farrah, I read this before but for some reason couldn't post then...what a beautiful moment...love your writing, its like Im reading your thoughts! ;-)
(11.30.12 @ 12:15 AM)
Today, I am inspired by this smart girl and her amazing shirt...
Smart IS beautiful.
Smart may not always be "pretty".
Smart is strong.
Smart is soulful, reflective and sensitive.
Smart is, sometimes, before its time.
Smart can be hard and it's not always fun.
Smart looks in the mirror and works hard at seeing their authentic self.
Smart can piss people off.
Smart doesn't always mean that you know what you're doing, sometimes smart stumbles.
Smart asks questions, even when it's uncomfortable.
Smart doesn't accept the status quo, especially if it doesn't fit.
Smart can be really funny.
Smart is not obsessed with the outer shell but works hard on what's inside. (my post partum self is working hard on this one.)
Smart digs deep, aspires to be "all in" and is Daring Greatly.
Smart may mean something different for you...will you share with us?
Smart IS beautiful.
Smart may not always be "pretty".
Smart is strong.
Smart is soulful, reflective and sensitive.
Smart is, sometimes, before its time.
Smart can be hard and it's not always fun.
Smart looks in the mirror and works hard at seeing their authentic self.
Smart can piss people off.
Smart doesn't always mean that you know what you're doing, sometimes smart stumbles.
Smart asks questions, even when it's uncomfortable.
Smart doesn't accept the status quo, especially if it doesn't fit.
Smart can be really funny.
Smart is not obsessed with the outer shell but works hard on what's inside. (my post partum self is working hard on this one.)
Smart digs deep, aspires to be "all in" and is Daring Greatly.
Smart may mean something different for you...will you share with us?