confused, too much to consider all at once.

precarious.

climbing.

seeking same, looking for my friends.

peeking out.

checking out the fringes and the edges.

defensive, sensitive, worried.

hanging on, not comfortable with letting go and changing.

unveiling, slowly.

reaching out.

in between now and what's next.

making room for new and delicate things.

and, finally, blooming (I hope).

Thanks for looking and reading! Thank you for your comments too. I love every single one of them.

I am offering a limited edition series (10 total) of this collage. It's 15"x15" and available in my Etsy shop. I also figured out how to create a discount code so, enjoy 15% off by using the code, BRAVE, when you check out.

And this new image has also been added to the shop as well!

This self reflection, put myself out there, show my art, change my life project is getting difficult. I'm stuck weighing out some really tough decisions about the direction I am taking. The easy part of my resolution is over. I took my art work to get photographed and I found out the submission deadline for a gallery I'd like to see my work in. I adjusted my schedule and I signed up for a workshop with a fellow artist. I started the process and checked off the fairly easy stuff but now the process is getting scary and difficult. I'm left with the much bigger decisions.

I spent the last week at a photography convention in San Antonio. I mentioned my resolution to a few other photographers and almost all of them agreed that their business had taken over their life and they were having a hard time balancing it all. I know I'm not alone in this fight. Part of me thinks it would just be so much easier to stay right where I am and do exactly what I'm doing and just try and do it better. That is a known quantity you see. The other part tells me to shake it up, fearlessly.

Right now I am working through a tough decision having to do with my current studio space that may entail a move in a few months. I cannot tell you how badly I do NOT want to move. Moves are distracting, expensive and difficult. This potential move may open some new doors though and help make some of my other projects move forward in new ways. The part of me that wants to just bury my head in the status quo and not change anything is worried about how my clients might perceive another move. Will they like a new space as much as my current one? The adventurous side of me sees the possibilities. The business side of me sees how it would make fiscal sense. The doubtful side of me is feeling, well, doubtful and distrusting.

(If you love this new image, entitled Dormant, it is available in my Etsy shop)

I'm trying to let all this sink in and not rush to decide anything but that's just uncomfortable. I want it to be decided and, preferably, by someone else who is never wrong. Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

My Dad used to always tell me to go with my gut. It'll never steer me wrong. My gut feelings just aren't speaking very loud and clear at the moment.

On wednesday, I took my group of Hope Stone photo students to Hermann Park to shoot. All the while my thoughts were about all of this and it's amazing to me how much I see that in these images.

I'm going to try and adopt Kelly Rae's mantra of "brave in sadness, brave in love" and perhaps alter it to be something like, "brave in uncertainty, brave in hope".

("Goodnight Sarlat" was taken in Sarlat France and is available in my Etsy shop here!)

I've been busy! I've been pushing myself and attacking my list of goals. I've been staying up way too late too.

I stumbled through photographing my collages last week until I finally decided to take them all to someone who is a pro at that sort of thing. I gathered up my finished pieces and took them to a fine art scanner. I'm not 100% sure how they are doing it but it involves a large 4x5 camera, a special room and multiple exposures to create the look of depth. To be honest, I'm just grateful that someone else is doing it. I want to offer prints in my Etsy shop of some of my collages but the prints need to be as close to the real thing as possible and that required professional help. I have to say, it felt really weird to hand over all my work to a stranger and drive away.

I am making progress on my book project too. I reworked the table of contents and created a list of photographs that need to be taken. Writing is so challenging for me. The project just feels huge and daunting and I get flustered. It's very easy for me to get off track and then get irritated at myself. Sometimes I think I need to just go check in to a hotel for a week (with no internet access) and make myself finish it all one swoop. Perhaps the people scanning my art could just take care of finishing the book too?

The amazing news here is that I am doing it. I am taking control over my schedule and blocking out time to work rather than wait for the time to become available. I'm even saying no to a few things just to be sure I have the energy to see this all through. My decision to follow everyone on Twitter that follows me (@farrahbraniff) has been great too. I thought it would be overwhelming but, Instead, it has made it much more interesting.

I keep repeating this mantra in my head when my to-do list starts to freak me out...

baby steps, one little piece at a time.

(me and my friend, Julia, circa 1993-94)

The older I get, the foggier it seems to get. Sometimes the true essence of me seems to get blurrier. It's all diluted and obscured by children, work, marriage and the stresses of everyday life. I don't feel like the same girl that's in those pictures...not even the ones from a mere 10 years ago. I know that I am the same in a lot of ways but something's different. Tonight when Wendy left, I cried. We always do that when she leaves to go back to Europe. Part of it is just missing a dear friend and knowing it will be summer (at least) before I see her again. The other part is the part of me that feels so much more like myself when she is here. It's just easy. I don't edit what I have to say. There's no posturing because we can see through that stuff anyway so why bother. She's seen so many of my awkward moments and my various growing pains that playing anything off is just silly. It's liberating to be in that space with someone and it's really sad to see it go.

(Wendy and I, circa 1986)

I think we all try and hide our darkest parts from each other out of fear of being judged. The thing is, I love Wendy and Kristen's darkness. Their deepest, darkest moments are part of what makes me love them so. What's even better is that, around them, I love my darkness too.

(I love this image b/c it has 4 of my other longtime friends in it. Top left: Indy & David Bottom: Carlos and Gwen) 

(Wendy, circa 1987)

(A photograph of me, taken by my longtime friend Anissa, circa 1993)

I've alway loved this picture of me. That says quite a bit because I don't normally like pictures of myself. I love the heart shaped shadow over my eye. I love how it's resting in the windowsill of my post college Austin house next to a pile of snake skins and a weird plastic religious statue and, what, a geode maybe? I remember the leather jacket that I'm wearing. It was my favorite and it had velvet cuffs. I like how I'm looking straight into the camera.

This year, I made the resolution to put more of myself out there. I feel like I am unearthing something...my art and maybe even the girl in that picture. I'm doing my very best to let myself be seen. I said, "goodbye", to Wendy today but I am going to try and hold on to the feeling of being seen and known. It's so much nicer than the alternative.

It makes sense that the very first items in my BRAND NEW ETSY SHOP (eek!) would be images from my trip to Marfa, Texas. Marfa is an unlikely spot for all of the amazing art and quirky coolness that's there. It's a little bit of a hidden gem. Those who have experienced it know that there's gold there but for most it's been kept secret. I've been hiding out too for a while but that's over now!

Today was a great day. It started with encouraging words from a friend and ended with the first batch of my artwork photographed and a new Etsy shop opened. It's amazing what you can do when you're motivated!

It all feels pretty shaky though. While photographing my collages today, I was stressing about the idea of selling them and what to charge and so on all the way down to how do I ship them and what to write about on the blog? I had all of these same growing pains years ago when I opened my photography business and it was awkward and painful back then. Part of me is wondering why in the world I am putting myself through it again!?

Essentially, I decided to start slow. I'm going to be offering up on Etsy select groups of prints (my favorite images). Each week or two I will add something new. I have plans for note cards, prints of my collage work and even some original art. Deciding what to start with on Etsy was really challenging especially since it was the very first items. I feel nervous now about pressing the save button on this blog entry and making it official. I'm seriously encouraged, though, by all of your comments, tweets and Facebook posts. From the very bottom of my nervous heart, THANK YOU!

(the image at the top of this post was photographed in Marfa, Tx. and is one of the prints available now at my shop!)