Maybe it's because I'm beat down tired or maybe it's because I have so many things on my to-do list but, whatever the reason, the reality is that I'm super anxious. Right this moment I am supposed to be finishing the layout of my upcoming book but my brain is mush and it's not happening. Instead of working on my project, I'm obsessing about...
Whether or not I should start doing more location shooting.
Which Photoshop action set I want to buy from this particular vendor.
Whether I should read the book on my nightstand or listen to my audiobook on my phone.
That I really should have my DNA checked to see which diseases I have a propensity towards.
That eating the ice cream earlier AND drinking this beer is really out of control.
The concept of dark matter in the universe.
And, that the boys are going to get fevers while visiting my parents over the next 2 days.
Yes, seriously.
When I say I'm obsessing, I mean it. I'm not just thinking about these random things, I'm stewing. I'm running them over and over in a torturous loop in my brain. It's like a bunch of moths just flitting around banging against the insides of my head.
My seven year old does this too. When he runs himself down, plays too hard and eats too little, he just implodes. He's 7, though, and can fall apart in ways that I can't. When he implodes, we scoop him up, bathe him, feed him and put him in bed as fast as possible. Perhaps I need to take a cue from that and perform the same emergency measures on myself.
or maybe I just need some cardio...or, a massage? to watch an episode of True Blood? more beer? some oreos? Nyquil?
Ack.
Sarah Vasquez says:
I vote for all of the above. ;)
(08.22.12 @ 09:28 PM)
Rachel says:
Again you speak your mind right when I needed it. I needed to hear that it happens to someone other than me. These last few days I have felt very similarly and to hear that you (who I have built up as superwoman in every sense of the word in my head) has those days too, makes me breathe a little easier. Thanks for being such an amazing role model in my life and for sharing your ups and downs. It makes my ups and downs easier to bare. I know you'll come out on top. Not that I think I could take on what you do nor could i do it as well as you but just slow down, try to find a Kairos moment and hold onto it. The pressure and anxiety will pass, I know you can do it.
(08.22.12 @ 09:43 PM)
jennifer says:
Umm... I'm glad I'm not the only one that obsesses over things like this when I should be doing something more productive. :) I vote for massage and more beer.. haha. Hope your boys do well on their visit.
(08.22.12 @ 09:46 PM)
Where I'm headed, I don't know but I do know it's going to be good and different.A few days ago I was sitting at my kitchen table talking to my husband. I was stressed out and feeling overwhelmed by a very long to-do list. From my vantage point I could see all of our breakfast room, part of our kitchen and the entire living room. As I scanned across, all I could see was stuff. Little piles were everywhere! There was a mail stack, a stack of my beekeeping stuff, random junk on the table, papers, books, toys...Suddenly, I felt like I was going to be swallowed by it all.
In every room of our house there are these little piles. I'm looking at one in our bedroom as I type. It's the ironing combined with 3 books, a pair of scissors, some wrapping paper, Einin's baby swing, a Christmas decoration (WTF?!), my craft cutting board and more. Our house is clean (thanks to a 2x a week housekeeper) but there is just so much STUFF everywhere! Kids are the worst about picking things up and then depositing them somewhere else (not where they go). I have found Lego guys in my freezer! I'm realistic and I do believe that keeping a neat house is an uphill battle with 3 kids but I am looking around and wondering, where did all this stuff come from and why?
I will be the first to admit it...I love to shop! I could spend money competitively if I needed to. I'm not sure I'd win but I'd certainly make a good showing. The question I've been asking myself lately is, why? Do I really want these things? I certainly don't "need" half of what is in my house. I know I'm not the craziest of shoppers (my budget isn't that big) but I will say this...
I have spent money when I didn't have it to spend.
I have trouble saying "no" to myself when I want something.
Nice things make me feel better (about what? not sure...everything? I don't know...)
New clothes make me feel more confident.
Sometimes when I go out and buy stuff, I feel guilty and remorseful afterwards.
New things become old things very quickly.
No matter what I buy, I still feel exactly the same, good or bad.
Wherever you go, or whatever you buy...there you are.
The mere thought of all the stuff in my house makes me feel anchored and weighted.
I am a gypsy at heart and I do not need the trappings of stuff. I acquire things for unhealthy reasons.
I absolutely love the idea of getting rid of my stuff and feeling simplified, honest and free.
On July 20th, I made a pledge to myself. Between now and my birthday in October (maybe longer?), I will not buy myself any new clothing, shoes, makeup or nail polish. I will not buy any art supplies that I do not intend to immediately consume. I will not buy any props or other stuff for the studio that is not necessary. I will not transfer my need to acquire onto my kids by buying things that they "need" (no more clothing for Einin!). I'm making exceptions for haircuts for me, truly necessary things for the kids (back to school) and pedicures (seriously people, that's necessary). I will not buy books that I don't intend to read right away. I am also forbidding myself from online window shopping too, so no more mindless hours spent trolling the Nordstrom website. I am not allowed to look at catalogs either. I'm DONE!
The battle against STUFF begins now. It's time to reclaim simplicity, authenticity and freedom. If I weren't so freaking excited, I'd be petrified.
Veronique Vaillancourt says:
Farrah, I hear you. Right there with ya. Sending you this link: the idea sounded intriguing to me. I bet it's right up your alley. I thought the idea was so cool.
http://www.familygonefree.com/
(08.02.12 @ 04:49 PM)
Lea says:
Good for you! I've been on a quest for simplicity for a LONG time now. ZenHabits.net is a FABULOUS blog to help with this quest. I did a blog post a while back related to clearing out, and have mentioned it briefly in a few posts since: http://leaciceraro.com/blog/2011/07/day-6-pay-it-forward/
Also, we donate stuff almost weekly, or clear out a section of a closet by throwing things away, we've even cut cable and other non essentials, donated one of our two cars, and are working on moving to a smaller house (at 1800 sq ft right now). Simplification is amazing! Once I made it that far, I realized the rest of the "stuff" is in my HEAD costuming my thoughts... like fertility or Facebook or whatnot... so now I'm working on clearing out the mental stuff. ;)
Good luck!
(08.02.12 @ 04:51 PM)
Kerin says:
My thoughts exactly. Thanks for letting me know there's someone else I know who is on the same journey. Good luck to us both!!
(08.02.12 @ 06:28 PM)
Sometimes I just want to get it over with and be done for the day. I want to have quiet time alone to read, drink a glass of wine, eat slowly or time with Steven to talk and relax. There are days when the bedtime routine seems like a final, very tall, mountain to climb.
I read a great article recently talking about the idea of carpe diem and being in the moment while raising your kids. She talks about Kairos time, the magical moments that stop you in your tracks. These moments are the fuel that keep you going when the day is tough. I savor these moments. I photograph them, I do my best to breathe them in, see them clearly and etch them into my memory. Sometimes, being present is tremendously difficult. For me, it's up and down a million times in a single day. It goes from amazing to frustrating to sweet to tiring to magical, all in the blink of an eye.
The other day, while bathing Einin, I was not 100% there. I was happily daydreaming about something and going through the motions of her bath time. I had her hands in mine and she let go, reaching up towards the water that was streaming down. Her tiny little hands, fat at the palms with only dots for knuckles, were delicately held up to feel the water. Her fingers, wide at their base and gracefully tapering down to tiny little fingernails, aimed up to catch the water. It was as if she was seeing the water for the very first time. I was awestruck, frozen...it was one of the most beautiful things I think I have ever seen. It was so simple and so everyday but those little hands were so innocent and so sweet that it just blew me away. It was an un-photographable moment (one of the many) but it is burned into my memory in such sharp detail and I hope I never forget it.
After bath time, the Farrah Braniff variety show begins as I do my best to entertain her while getting her diapered and dressed. Her newfound mobility practically requires a vaudeville show to get through. I have to make sounds, give her things to hold, blow raspberries, sing, make faces and so on. I have to keep the act fresh, because the same old routine won't work night after night. I keep telling her that if she would just lay still for 3 minutes it would be so much easier. However, 15 minutes later, she's still wiggling and I only have the diaper on and it's crooked. The evening just went from magical to frustrating. I sigh and stop. Then I look down at her and see this...
Kairos time...and just like that, it becomes funny and sweet all over again.
Kerin says:
What great timing, Farrah. Doug and I were just talking about this very subject last night. There are so many nights when I'm completely exhausted by Olivia's endless energy and happy when she has gone to bed. And then in the quiet of the house I'm left to recall the funny/endearing/sweet things that she's shared with me, and I find myself wishing she were awake and sitting in my lap. It brings to mind the message of the book "Room"; if you can get past the basic story line and see the magic in the book, I think you'd find the message in sync with this post.
(07.10.12 @ 01:27 PM)
Jess Robertson says:
Beautiful beautiful post! I can SO relate! My little guy is 5 1/2 month and I laughed out loud at the part where you tried to tell her how much easier it would be if she would relax. I say the same thing all the time! It's amazing how by everything being new to them they make it new to us as well :) I love those moments. Thanks for sharing!
(07.11.12 @ 03:50 AM)
Donna Kester says:
Such a realistic description of life at this stage...but then when you get my age and you are an empty nester...you'll wish just for a day you could have those moments again. So, take a deep breath and relish those moments...even the frustrating ones as they will be gone far too quickly! Love your posts Farrah!
(08.13.12 @ 09:47 AM)
Donna Kester says:
Such a realistic description of life at this stage...but then when you get my age and you are an empty nester...you'll wish just for a day you could have those moments again. So, take a deep breath and relish those moments...even the frustrating ones as they will be gone far too quickly! Love your posts Farrah!
(08.13.12 @ 09:48 AM)
The blog has been silent for a week or so. We've been in Santa Barbara for our annual escape-the-Houston-summer-inferno trip. It's been beautiful, as always. Santa Barbara never disappoints. We sleep with the doors open and enjoy the 68 degree days and a 180 degree view of the Pacific. I mean, seriously, what in the world can you complain about? It's paradise.
We come here almost every summer so we've explored quite a bit but, every year, we add a few new sights to our list. This year we took a day trip to the Santa Ynez valley. Specifically, we visited the Clairmont Lavender Farm in Los Olivos. It's not a huge farm but it's very pretty and the main lavender field was really beautiful.
When you first walk up to it, you see all the lavender and the smell is amazing! When you look (and listen) closely you begin to notice the bees. There are, at least, a handful on every single plant. The hum they make is incredible.
While Steven and I were looking out at the field, he said, "it's kind of like life, you know, that saying...seeing the forest for the trees?". It's true. When you first look out onto the field, you can't really see the bees. When you change your focus, though, you see them and they are everywhere.
Someone emailed me recently saying that my blog posts always seemed so timely for her. For her, at least, I bring up topics and ideas that resonate at the right time. Well, seeing that field and hearing Steven's comment was timely for me. Lately, I am deep in thought. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis? Maybe it's too much self awareness? Who knows, but I am deep in it. I am thinking about my career, the future, my relationships, everything...
Looking at the field and then at the bees (and back again), I keep wondering, which am I supposed to be seeing now? Are my questions right now best answered by watching the bees or looking at the field?
What about you, are you seeing the bees? or the field?
Kerin says:
The lifestyle change that has evolved over the last 21 months that accompanies being a new parent has often led me to see both the field and the bees, sometimes with a narrow focus. But I've come to realize that was a different field with different bees, and I'm embracing a vision of a new field with new bees. It's not always a clear vision, and sometimes I find myself looking back at the old field.This new vision is still evolving. Thanks for sharing your poignant thoughts, Farrah.
(07.01.12 @ 09:47 AM)
Some of the moments are just too hard to catch. They're fleeting or maybe the camera is across the room or you have no available hands to grab the camera. Often, the moment happens when the room is dark and quiet and there is no way you would risk movement or sound even to capture it. Even if you did, there wouldn't be enough light. Sometimes the moment just won't translate to pixels because what makes it so amazing is how it feels.
Sometimes the moment feels private and you want to hold it inside just for yourself.
Sometimes I just look, blink my eyes hard and imagine a little "click" and take a picture with my eyes alone. If only I could print those...
It's always the smallest things like the split second of a particular smile or the way the light is falling across a cheek just so. All you can do in that moment is appreciate it and try your best to burn it into the memory files but you know, deep down, that there's no way that you can remember it all.
Sometimes the moment feels private and you want to hold it inside just for yourself.
Sometimes I just look, blink my eyes hard and imagine a little "click" and take a picture with my eyes alone. If only I could print those...
It's always the smallest things like the split second of a particular smile or the way the light is falling across a cheek just so. All you can do in that moment is appreciate it and try your best to burn it into the memory files but you know, deep down, that there's no way that you can remember it all.
Kerin says:
Love this post.
(06.25.12 @ 01:49 PM)
Rachel says:
When you talk about it being private and wanting to hold it all for yourself, you sound like Sayer. He has such a careful mind and I can hear him telling me that it was a great day and sharing some of his adventures but not all, because some of those memories are just for him. I wish I was half as wise as Sayer and I am more than twice his age.
Thanks for blogging even while you are away, your posts always warm my heart. They often tell me just what I needed to hear and they always remind me of your boys and all the wonderful things I've learned from them. I miss them, hug them extra for me :)
(06.25.12 @ 02:40 PM)