The show will also feature 250 artist designed 12x12 boxes (see mine below). Each box is $100 and the money raised goes to benefit Freedom Place (recovery center for underage female victims of sex trafficking). The box show will be at both buildings. My 4-box piece will be displayed at Spring Street Studios.

How can I be a commercial photographer running a studio and making forays into the fine art world while writing a book and being an educator who also sews quilts, has an Etsy shop and teaches photographers about business? Truth be told, it's tough. My husband would say, "no, it's not, you're doing it right now...just do it more". Of course, that's just way too simple and it doesn't really work like that anyway. What happens is that one aspect starts to compete with the other or my ego gets in the way and gets worried about what someone else may think of what I'm doing. I second guess how to prioritize all the pieces and just end up feeling like a mess. I start to feel like I'm doing a lot of things halfway and that none of it is that strong. Basically, I let doubt and fear creep in and kill it.

The thing is, I know the truth. The truth is that it doesn't matter what the haters or critics have to say about me because they aren't my audience. I know that the struggle for balance is part of the process. I also know that my best and most productive self does not live in one tidy box. My best self is free, complex, integrated, bold and multi-faceted. There will be those who will thrill and delight in the mix of things that I am doing and love it all (even more) for the variety. However, knowing the truth and living it are very different prospects.

Lately, it's a matter of fits and starts, good days and bad days. It's not a light switch that can just be flipped. Oh, how I wish that it was like that! It's a mental battle between what I know and what I am feeling. I'm a box myself in addict. Do they have a recovery group for people like me? I think it is a learned behavior that I need to unlearn. Stop allowing the question "what would X or Y person or group think about this piece or this project?". Ask only what do I love about what I'm doing and chase it down without so many questions. Day-by-day, by day, by day, by another day...one day at a time perhaps.

---

(the image in this post was created while away at a workshop in Dallas with the lovely and talented Brooke Shaden. It has inspired so many new ideas and I'm working really hard to chase them down- without too many questions. Hope you like it! Wait, no, I'm not going to worry about whether or not you like it, not today anyway.)

1. I kept my exercise routine the same and workout between 3-5 times a week. I train at West U Fitness 3 days and do spin or something else 1-2 days a week.

2. I stopped drinking alcohol. I'll have a beer or a glass of wine if we go out to dinner on the weekend but no weekday drinks at all. That has been one of the best parts of the whole process. I feel so much better and I think a huge part of that is the absence of alcohol. It really wasn't that hard either! I also stopped drinking diet soda (except for an occasional one if I really want it). I only drank a few per week but now I basically drink none.

3. I stopped eating regular bread and have replaced it with Ezekiel bread and tortillas and I totally love them both. My kids, however, do not share my enthusiasm and refuse to eat it.

4. I am drinking way more water than before and that also feels so much better! I swear I can see it in my skin too.

5. I have gotten into a pretty good cooking and grocery shopping routine. I cannot say that I always enjoy it. I'm just not a chef at heart. So, I keep it simple and get it done. I do like knowing that we are eating better and that we aren't scrambling around trying to figure out what's for dinner (it's planned) and we're not eating take out. We do allow ourselves a cheat meal or two during the week.

6. I notice when we go out to eat, I can't eat as much as before. I also find myself trying to make as good a choice as I can when out and am happy to see that I don't feel like "cheating" and eating a bunch of awful stuff. Just today, I took my kids to The Chocolate Bar for a snack and I happily left empty handed. At this point, I'm way more motivated by the size of my behind than by the sweets in the case.

7. Steven (my husband) has been following along as well. He has not been exercising. He has also been a bit more loose with the plan (a whisky now and then during the week, some lunches out during the week...) but has seen pretty big changes in just 3 weeks! He has lost 10 pounds!! For him the biggest changes have been what he eats out at lunchtime on workdays, no beer and wine during the week, no dessert after dinner and no late night snacking. He's doing so well!

8. Finally, and perhaps best of all, my clothes are fitting so much better and I can SEE the changes on my body. I didn't have a lot of weight to lose so my changes are small but steady. While my numerical changes seem small to me, I feel and see dramatic changes. Overall, I lost 4.25 inches, one clothing size and a little over 3 pounds (2 of which was fat!). I'm anxious to remeasure in a few weeks and see the numbers again.

So, that's pretty much it! It's all going well and I'm proud of the work we're doing. I'm happy to share the recipes with you. Just leave me a message in the comments.

PS- I did take a "before" picture (that was super challenging) and will share that at some point alongside an "after" shot. I'm just not quite ready yet.

Today is a dark day. I'm not sure if those sorts of days happen to you but I imagine they do, at least to some of you. Today I feel tired, anxious and frustrated. Everywhere I look I see the long lists of things I need to do. I feel frantic. The house is messy and I have too much laundry. Today when I see awesome things happening to people, I feel left out. Normally, I would be joyous and love seeing people's happy news. This makes me feel worse because then I feel like I'm being selfish because people are truly suffering in the world and who am I (so insanely blessed) to be moping about feeling like this. It's embarrassing to be (at least momentarily) so ungrateful.

I am no longer seeing the forest but only a few trees. I know this day will pass, thankfully. Maybe I'm just tired and worn out? I was sick all last week and it's been exhausting. Maybe it's hormonal or maybe I just need a hot bath. Maybe I'm feeling vulnerable about the last rounds of proofs on my upcoming book?  Who knows...

As it happens with these sorts of things, the universe sent me a message. It was via my sister-in-law who posted a video on Facebook of Tom Waits (one of my idols) reading a poem by Bukowski, called The Laughing Heart. In case you are having a crappy day (or week, or month or year for that matter), I thought I'd share it with you. I love it. I'm inspired by it.

I'm thinking of people that I know who suffer with depression and I'm sending love out to them with this post. This is just a bad day for me and, while they may come now and again, they don't debilitate me long term. To my friends Samantha and David who left me too early because of depression. To Jenny who makes me laugh out loud at least a few times per week. She has been very vocal on her blog about her struggle with depression and it has been such an amazing inspiration for so many. Like this poem, Jenny inspires me. And to you, if you also need some love tonight.

your life is your life

don't let it be clubbed into dank submission

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can't beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.

Now, it's time to go curl up in bed, get some much needed rest, ignore my pile of unread emails and stop being so hard on myself. The gods are waiting to delight in me tomorrow and I need to be ready.

4. Own a custom made corset.

5. Visit Scotland and walk the battlefield of Culloden.
6. Own a 1966 black Mustang convertible.
7. Have a pet rabbit.

8. Live overseas, preferably in France.

9. Visit the Frida Khalo museum in Mexico.

10. Learn how to shoot my longbow and hit a bullseye.

11. Own a Leica M camera.

12. Visit a volcano.

13. Hike through a forest in the Pacific Northwest.

14. Become completely fluent in French (about 1/3 of the way there at present).

15. Take the boys to swim with the dolphins.

16. Have an article written about me/my work in Texas Monthly magazine.

17. Take (or have someone else take) boudoir/sexy photos of myself (preferably before I'm 45).

18. Be present for the birth of my grandchildren.

19. Meet Lyle Lovett, Bruce Springsteen and/or Tom Waits.

20. See my children find their true loves.

21. Design and have a custom home built.

22. Own an autographed copy of photographer Robert Frank's "The Americans".

23. Have a solo art exhibit.

24. Teach the basics of photography to one of my idols. Oprah Winfrey always come to mind first.

25. Travel to New Zealand.

26. Swim naked along a totally abandoned white sand beach with calm, clear blue waters.

27. Ride an elephant.

28. Touch a baby elephant.

29. Help Einin shop for a wedding dress.

30. Go ziplining somewhere cool, Costa Rican rainforest maybe?

31. Skydive.

32. Touch a whale.

33. Learn how to draw faces well.
34. Renew my wedding vows to Steven in the presence of our children in some distant and isolated locale.
35. Learn how to stand up paddleboard.
36. Complete a photographic self portrait project.
37. Have my art work published in an art magazine.
38. Visit the French Caribbean.
39. Find a shark's tooth on a beach (Florida maybe?)
40. Add a vial of sand from the shores of Loch Ness to my sand collection.
41. See the Marfa lights.
42. Learn to knit.
43. Ride in a hot air balloon.
44. Ride in a helicopter.
45. Write a fiction novel.
46. Do documentary photography work in another country for a charity.
47. Learn how to make soap.
48. Learn to home brew beer.
49. Take a whiskey appreciation class.
50. Visit the Napa valley and taste wines.
51. See a glacier in Alaska.
52. See a true burlesque show.
53. Have a reading with a true psychic medium.
54. Visit Amish country and see/find quilt makers there.
55. Learn from a barista how to make a perfect latte and cappucino.
56. Learn how to sew my own clothes.
57. Design custom albums from all of my family's summer trips (6 so far).
58. Grow my hair long enough to do a long braid down the back.
59. Host a creative retreat / workshop in an exotic location.
60. Write another book.

Karen also wrote some great tips on creating your own life list. Now, off to go see if Maggie needs help with her camera and to help Karen develop BW film and make pasta.

5 days in and so far, so good! We started with a monday afternoon trip to Whole Foods to stock up. I don't know what's it like with your kids but I think grocery shopping with kids is challenging. I always forget things and Einin will only stay in the cart for half the trip so I end up carrying her through the store and pushing the cart. The awesome part about this particular trip was my list from Cassie. It made life so much easier! I didn't have to figure out what I was going to make or think about it much. I also loved that it forced me into buying items that i would never have bought before. Radishes! Sprouted bread! I like trying new things but tend to get the same stuff every time, just out of habit. With list (and Einin) in hand, I was done with my shopping in under an hour. I bought a few non list items for my kids and ended with a total somewhere around $260. I'd tell you exactly what it was but, in an effort to occupy Einin, I gave her the receipt and somewhere between the cash register and the car, she ate half of it.

I promised that I would tell you guys a little bit more about myself and Cassie, show some before pictures and measurements, and share my experience with the cooking. That's a lot for one post so I'm going to spread it out a little bit. I think the MOST important part is sharing what our first week has been like with the new habits, so I'll start there.

Despite the fact that I work out 3-5 times per week, I don't drink nearly enough water. Steven rarely drinks any at all, unless you count ice tea. That has been one of the biggest changes and it's been easier than I thought. Cassie told me to drink 14 oz. of water with each meal and snack and I find that works so much better than telling me to drink 56 ounces of water per day. That seems like a crazy amount of water and feels like a chore. One large glass of water per meal, however, seems completely reasonable.

So, what am I loving? I work full time and get home at 5 on most days. I do a half day on monday and friday. Steven and the boys are home by 6 on most days. So, the average day has me cooking dinner (for 6) between 5 and 6 with Einin at my side. With this in mind, I need fast, easy and planned. Having recipes and ingredients right on hand has made it so easy! My cooking and prep times have averaged 30 minutes. The food has been easy to modify for my kids (nothing touching, nothing all mixed up, simple foods). I might alter the way I plate things for them and only include the things I know they'll eat or not mix things together for their plates. I'm loving having lunch at work and not having to go out. I am happy knowing we have good food in our bodies. I have really enjoyed trying new things...who knew I'd love the Ezekiel bread and radishes on my salad?! Not me.

What's hard? Packing lunch and snacks for two more people during an already busy morning can be tough. It takes a little creativity, ice packs and good tupperware to make it work. We have kept the kid's lunches the same as before. Steven does that chore early and I want to keep that simple. To keep my "vices" at a minimum, I let go of red wine during the week. I still have my latte on the way to work but there have been a few nights where I missed that glass of wine. Steven is a big late night snacker so that's been a little tough for him. The truth is, for us, I expected it to be harder but it's been ok!

What about you guys? I know some of you are following along and are signed up fro the grocery/recipe email blast. Both Cassie and I want to hear your candid thoughts and experiences. What is working? What is hard? Leave comments in the section below and share your own experiences. If you are following along, you should have 4 days worth of food so far. Tonight, I'll blast out one more day and a couple of strategies for eating out and eating while traveling. Take a day or two off but try and keep up the good habits.

I'm typing this while in Atlanta for 3 day conference. Wish me luck as I try and make good food choices while on the road! I'm back on wednesday and we'll start back up with a trip to the store!

Sweet Einin,

This morning while I nursed you for the last time, I tried my best to memorize your face and the way your little hand felt rested against me. I leaned in, nuzzled your neck and breathed you in as many times as you would let me. The decision to wean you has been tough but I think I'm ready and I hope you are too.

I'm typing this while waiting on a (three four times) delayed flight to Atlanta and I have to keep stopping so I don't cry too much in the airport. I'm hiding out in a corner by the only power outlet I could find dabbing tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. This is a testament to how tender I'm feeling because I rarely cry, and certainly not in the company of a bunch of strangers.

Thank you Einin, for being mine. Thank you, and your brothers, for opening my heart up so wide that, at times, I feel like I'll just burst from loving you. Thank you for showing me what it means to be truly vulnerable. Looking at myself through your eyes and hearts has made me love myself more.

In some ways it's sad to see my baby fade into a toddler. You are my very last baby, after all. While I am excited about all the things we're going to do as you grow up, I'm struggling letting your little nursling days go. The next time I hold a baby of my blood, it might belong to you, or your brothers, and that seems like a million years from now. Maybe, if I'm truly lucky, I'll get a chance to watch you nurse your own baby.

Change is good and so is growing up. This bittersweet moment is just one of many to come. Thank you for making things hard sometimes, the stretch, heartbreak and sacrifice of motherhood has shown me a side of myself that I never knew was there.

Forgive me my fragile heart today. It's probably good that I'll be away for a few days. I need some time to stretch and change, again, for what's next.

Yours completely, Mommy

PS- If you want the grocery lists and recipes, you have to sign up for the e-blast list. When you go to sign up, you can choose the WUF/Farrah list alone (no other emails from me) or both of my lists if you want other info from me (my upcoming book, the studio, etc.). By using a list, I will send out one email instead of many. The grocery lists and daily recipes will come to your inbox every day or two. I'll blog a couple of times a week here and copy it on West U Fit's blog as well. Now, excuse me while I go drink all the beer that's left in the house before all this healthy eating starts.

The other day I was walking through the living room while my husband was watching sports. A female sportscaster (Erin Andrews) was talking and next to her was her co-host.  The male co-host was dressed in a normal professional suit. Erin looked like she was going to a cocktail party. She was wearing a sleeveless, skin tight red mini dress and heels...at a football game.

A few days before that, I saw a picture of two radio personalities. I wish I knew their names so I could go look up this picture for you. Apparently they are a man-woman radio duo. The image was a publicity shot (like a headshot, sort of). The man was sitting on a chair next to a table. He was casually leaned forward engaging the camera and smiling naturally. He was wearing a casual shirt, jacket and pants combo. His partner was ON the table, on her back propped up on her elbows with her leg crossed and sticking up. She was wearing a skimpy skirt so her entire thigh was showing and she had on super high heels. She had her head thrown back like, oh look at me..ha-ha! Gross.

What is going on ladies?! I was walking through Toys R Us recently and even the new dolls are looking racy. My mom and I were looking at baby dolls for Einin (my daughter) and a few of them seriously looked like they had make up on. They're not all bad. I did see these dolls that are so much cooler-smarter-relatable than these awful things. Point being, this messaging starts from the cradle!

It's not getting better as women move up into positions of power. In fact, it seems to be getting worse! Often, it's the powerful women, themselves, selling themselves out. When women don't do it to themselves, we (the media and the public) do it for them by picking them apart and criticizing them about their bodies.

These bodies we inhabit are only vessels. They're like a machine that our souls and minds operate. It's an extraordinary vessel, no doubt. Mine has allowed me to create children, feed them, make art, love and be loved, move around the world, explore and learn. The media is not creating an homage to the unbelievable machine of a body that we have. It's only focused on how we look, our sexual bodies. It's not focused on the inner workings but only on the exterior veneer.

I am NOT my exterior and neither are you. Stop the madness. Do your best to stop obsessing about your body (I'm trying, too). Don't criticize powerful women about stupid stuff like their clothes or their bodies. Disagree with their views but leave their looks out of it, it's irrelevant. Vote for strong, smart women. If sex is selling, stop buying! Don't criticize your looks in front of your daughters (or sons). Exercise and eat well because it keeps your machine strong and allows you to feel good and do more, not just to be skinny or sexy. Read books and ditch the garbage magazines. Don't watch stuff on TV that objectifies, humiliates and criticizes.

Above all ladies, It's time to put our clothes back on!

---

Edited to add: Thanks to my friend Jenny for filling in the gaps. The table image I was referring to is here. The woman is a recognized journalist (TV, not radio). Frankly, the image is worse than I remembered. I found a great article about the image on Salon.com. I especially like the last few sentences. It's not only Mika and Rihanna (etc) that are culpable.

You might think that doing something that you love (like art) would be easy. That, because it matters so much to you, it would fuel you and make you leap out of bed everyday excited to work. That is absolutely NOT true. In fact, doing work that truly matters to your heart and soul is tremendously difficult. It's difficult because it requires that you dig deep inside of yourself and unearth the most fragile and precious parts of your mind and heart and bring them out into the light. You have to actually show them to people and allow them to comment on them.  You have to listen as they critique. Sure, you can hide away and make work that is protected and free from critical eyes but, let's be honest, that doesn't really work either. At some point, you have to face the fear and the resistance.

I've been reading a new book and it's a life changer. It's called The War of Art (by Steven Pressfield). It's spot on and should be required reading for all artists. His chapters on resistance are changing my life. I've always thought about the fear and vulnerability in art making as inherent to the process. While I still acknowledge that part of the process, I also see that the fear is a form of resistance. It's one of the many forces that are hard at work keeping you away from the work you need to be doing.

People who know me well will say that I have a gypsy spirit and that I'm restless. I would say it too. I love a good move...a new house, a new town, a new studio (I've had 5 in 9 years). I like travel, change and motion. I like to repaint and redecorate. I rearrange my studio every few months. I like new things and I love to shop. I can get to a place where I have so many things on my plate that it's hard to do any one of them well. While I think that part of this restlessness is positive and keeps me moving forward and inspires curiosity and exploration, part of it is resistance. The urge to go-buy-change-acquire is, in part, the voice of resistance in my ear trying to pull me away from the work I need to do. So when I came across this paragraph, I was frozen...

Seriously...this is not just about art, right? I mean that paragraph applies to us all. It's about anything that requires heart and bravery. It's about doing something meaningful with your life and your work and pressing the mute button on the culture at large that just fuels the fires of resistance.

What this makes me think is that these fragile bits, those warm and fuzzy places inside of our hearts are where we will find what we need. When we nurture them in spite of the fear and pay attention to the myriad of tiny distractions that stand in our path like huge mousetraps. When we acknowledge that moving into the fear is the only way we can get anywhere meaningful...that is when the good work will be done.

A couple of weeks ago, I photographed my brother and his family while they were here in Houston. I've always loved photographing my brother. Maybe it's because he always let me or because he became so used to it that he grew to be comfortable in front of the lens? It may be for the same reason that I love photographing my own family...because I love them, and him.

Right at the end of our session, I shot a little series of images of my brother playing with his youngest son. Gibson ended the day by planting this big kiss right on Rhett's nose. I love the shot. When I first saw it, while downloading the images off the card, I was so struck by it that I just stopped and stared. In one of those unexpected moments of clarity, I saw that somewhere along the way, in little fits and starts, step by step and little by little, we've become adults.

Does that sound strange? I mean, sure, I know that we're adults but, in that moment of awareness, this picture made me feel like we are. I saw that we have children and people that rely on us! We can't just pack up and go anymore. We have ties...and mortgages, jobs, college funds for our kids and 5 year plans. We have to be home on time and our cars are full of baby car seats.

The young boy that I knew as my "little brother" is now a father. In a flash, I see a flood of tiny memories- rolling cigarettes and playing endless hours of chess on a train across Europe, driving across country to move to California, burying him in a pile of dirt in our front yard (why did he ever let me do that?!), stumbling in and out of bars, driving up the hills in San Francisco too fast trying to "get air" and talking to him (when he was much younger) about the birds and bees. Now we compare notes on parenting, drink tons of coffee and play way too much phone tag.

It's not a sad realization like an "oh the glory days..." kind of thing. No, it's a wonderful realization. Life is so much deeper now. And while it's hard, the days can grind, the responsibilities can chafe and sometimes you just want to go stumble in and out of a bar, you also have moments like this one. That moment when the tough melts away and all you have left is love. I see him in this picture, the adult and father. This picture makes me love us all more- him, our spouses and our kids. We're fighting the good fight and I'm proud of us.