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January 20, 2013
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Sweet Einin,

This morning while I nursed you for the last time, I tried my best to memorize your face and the way your little hand felt rested against me. I leaned in, nuzzled your neck and breathed you in as many times as you would let me. The decision to wean you has been tough but I think I'm ready and I hope you are too.


I'm typing this while waiting on a (three four times) delayed flight to Atlanta and I have to keep stopping so I don't cry too much in the airport. I'm hiding out in a corner by the only power outlet I could find dabbing tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. This is a testament to how tender I'm feeling because I rarely cry, and certainly not in the company of a bunch of strangers.


Thank you Einin, for being mine. Thank you, and your brothers, for opening my heart up so wide that, at times, I feel like I'll just burst from loving you. Thank you for showing me what it means to be truly vulnerable. Looking at myself through your eyes and hearts has made me love myself more.


In some ways it's sad to see my baby fade into a toddler. You are my very last baby, after all. While I am excited about all the things we're going to do as you grow up, I'm struggling letting your little nursling days go. The next time I hold a baby of my blood, it might belong to you, or your brothers, and that seems like a million years from now. Maybe, if I'm truly lucky, I'll get a chance to watch you nurse your own baby.


Change is good and so is growing up. This bittersweet moment is just one of many to come. Thank you for making things hard sometimes, the stretch, heartbreak and sacrifice of motherhood has shown me a side of myself that I never knew was there.


Forgive me my fragile heart today. It's probably good that I'll be away for a few days. I need some time to stretch and change, again, for what's next.


Yours completely, Mommy


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Kerin says: True. Love. (01.20.13 @ 07:48 PM)
mia poehlmann says: ugh, my heart hurts for you today - but you are such an amazing mommy - youre kids probably know this - but they are some of the luckiest kids around! I love your beautiful family!!! (01.20.13 @ 11:05 PM)
mia poehlmann says: ugh, my heart hurts for you today - but you are such an amazing mommy - your kids probably know this - but they are some of the luckiest kids around! I love your beautiful family!!! I myself will most likely never feel that kind of connection, and while I am ok with that, I am also very aware of how powerful that love of your own child can be! (01.20.13 @ 11:09 PM)
Farrah says: Thank you Kerin and Mia! (01.22.13 @ 01:33 PM)
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October 15, 2012
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I have a love-hate relationship with nursing. Hate is a bit strong actually. It's more accurate to say that it's a nuisance at times. I don't love the special clippy bras or the (ugh) pump. I don't love how it makes me so much bigger up top and makes my clothes fit weird. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere and not think about the feeding schedule. Yes, there are the times that I want to just let it go but then there are the other times...

The times when I'm sitting in the half light of her room and she's tucked up against me. The light from the hallway spills in and, ever so softly, skims across her face. It's a face so impossibly beautiful that I think my heart might just break from loving her. I twirl little bits of her hair in between my fingers (blonde hair, so unlike my own) and think to myself that she must have been delivered by the fairies.

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Every so often I see a flash of the adult lying dormant inside her baby's face. Holding her little relaxed hand I see her Father's fingernails. Her still, slack weight rests so perfectly against the curve of my belly that may never be taught again. In that dreamy space, dark and still with only the shushing of her white noise machine, I feel so grateful.

Of course, I'll stop nursing her eventually but, for now, it's as if the universe is saying...here you go, you've worked so hard. I'm giving you this gift.  Be still and enjoy it.  And I do.
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Kelly B says: Spot on, Farrah! It's the best gift on Earth, for mother and child. (10.16.12 @ 08:07 AM)
Claudia says: beautiful... (10.16.12 @ 09:14 PM)
Rebeca says: Spot on Farrah! You used so many words that have run across my mind many times .. feeding schedules and nuisance. But most of those other times, it's so perfect. I look down at her little face and her blue eyes look up to meet mine, and she gives me a little grin. That reminds me that it's all worth it. (11.03.12 @ 07:23 AM)
mia poehlmann says: Oh Farrah, I read this before but for some reason couldn't post then...what a beautiful moment...love your writing, its like Im reading your thoughts! ;-) (11.30.12 @ 12:15 AM)
September 7, 2012
It's been quiet on the blog lately. I'm under the gun of my last book deadline. EVERYTHING has to be turned in on October 1, EEK! In an effort to be judicious with my words and focus on the book, I have been ignoring the blog. After October 1, I promise I'll be back. In the meantime, here are a few quick shots I took of Einin this afternoon.

She loves to play peek-a-boo...with pretty much anything.

EBlog_8681.jpgPretty much, anytime.

EBlog_8703.jpgShe loves to read books (well, have them read TO her). She likes to point out all the eyes and noses. Her favorite page in this particular book is the one with the birds. Birds is her second word and it sounds like, "buuuh". Say it like you are asking a question, pitching the last bit up and do it in a high girly tone and you've got it.

EBlog_8664.jpgWhy bird you ask? Well, that leads us to one of her very favorite things...our birds.

EBlog_8713.jpgShe puts her fingers in there and they nibble on her. The really interesting thing about her fixation on the birds is that her name means little bird in Gaelic. I guess she's one of them in a way and they know it.

EBlog_8721.jpgShe has also discovered the stairs. I tried to distract her by tickling her with my feet.

EBlog_8732.jpgIt didn't last long...

EBlog_8741.jpgAfter going up and down the stairs about 15 times, we played with the doggie door. One of these days she's going to figure it out. I imagine the caption for the image on the right being, "I've seen them go in and out of here...if only I could figure out how it works. I could go outside and eat all the rocks and dirt I want!".

EBlog_8748.jpgAfter that, we settled in for some more reading and pointing...

EBlog_8753.jpguntil, one of her very favorite things in the entire world happened...her brothers came home.

EBlog.jpgPick up your cameras! THESE are the moments that matter, my friends. These tiny moments are the ones that you forget. It's simple, everyday images like these that I'll look back on when she's 16 and I'll remember this day like it just happened.

Happy weekend!
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Rachel says: I just LOVE all these images, they are so her. You are so good at capturing who she is right now in picture form, it's amazing. (09.08.12 @ 12:16 AM)
mia poehlmann says: rachel, I couldn't have said it better myself...it is such a wondrous gift to not only see those moments, but to capture them, and then paint them with words in such a way you think you were right there too! :-) (11.30.12 @ 12:33 AM)
July 12, 2012
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Sayer invented her first nickname...Einino. It's pronounced like eye-knee-know. I shortened it to Nini. Finn and Sayer invented a Nini song. They basically just sing ni-ni-ni-ni ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni over and over and she thinks it's hysterical.

Sometimes she's a sugar bear and even a sugar koala. She's a sweetie petie and an angel. Her name means little bird in Gaelic so she's a baby bird, a birdie and even a Nini bird. Steven calls her, my girl.

Of course, sometimes she's simply, Einin.
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Lea Ciceraro says: Maybe it's just that you're an awesome photographer, but she is seriously one of the CUTEST little girls I have EVER seen. I know I say that ALL the time, but I just cannot get over her adorableness!!! :) (07.13.12 @ 10:46 AM)
courtney says: REALLY - the cutest thing. I just want to take a bite out of that cheek (07.15.12 @ 09:40 PM)