Sayer asks amazing questions.  The big questions often come at bedtime when it's quiet and he's trying to fall asleep.  You can tell he is just sorting through the day's events and his thoughts on it all.  He'll get real quiet and say  either "Mommy, do you know what?..." or simply "Mommy...".  It has a specific inquisitive tone to the word Mommy.  You know it's coming.  Before we left for France, I was putting him to bed and he said, "Mommy...who was the first person ever born?"  Yes, this is the kind of question that I'm talking about.  One night he asked why do people hurt each other sometimes?  And another, "What does it mean to be married?" and "Why do Mommies have breasts?".  Recently on an outing to the Lascaux Caves here in France, he asked the guide "Why did they [meaning the cave dwellers] want to make art on the wall?"  The guide just stopped quiet for a second and said "Uh, well, we really don't know".

Sometimes it may just be a how-does-the-world-work kind of question but often there are bigger questions in there too.  Like tonight...

Background- we watched Shrek today.

Do all dragons have wings?
Do all dragons breathe fire?
Why were the knights in the castle with Fiona all skeletons?
Did the dragon like donkey?
How did donkey know that dragon was a girl? to which he answered himself "she had eyelashes and big lips"
then all of a sudden we move from Shrek to...

How come in the picture of you from when you married Daddy you can't see your face? (background: I am looking out a window in my bridal portrait)

Why were you wearing a nighgown? (testament to the fact that I never wear dresses and he can't make sense of what I'm wearing)

another big switch to...

"Mommy where were you born?"

from there we moved on to one of his favorite stories, which is the story about how Mommy and Daddy met and fell in love and he was born.  From there, he fell asleep. 

Right now he is asleep beside me all cuddled up and illuminated by the light of the laptop screen.  Maybe all little kids are like this but he just seems to so aware, so deep, so curious and so interested.  I hope he stays this way.  I just can't wait to see him grow up.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to happen too fast.  I love this place where he's at.  It's scary because I can see the baby all but faded away and the toddler is on its way out too.  The little boy is arriving complete with all of these big questions.  Danny jokes with me sometimes about how hard it will be for me when some girl just breaks that sweet little heart of his [by the way, she better watch out].  I quickly respond with jokes about his daughter starting to date boys [those poor boys].  It's there for all of us...the fear about growing up.  Sayer will quickly tell you that when he gets big he is going to buy the house right next door to me and live there.  A few days ago, he told my friend Wendy that he was going to live upstairs at my house forever even when he was married.  Right now, I like that thought too.

Sometimes I feel sorry for them...the children of photographers that is. We make them sit for way more pictures than the average person. We test things out on them- new light set ups, backdrops, new lenses...We expect them to behave well when we do this too. Sayer will sometimes just look at me (with a somewhat exhausted look) and say "no more pictures Mommy". Finn, less interested in pleasantries, just gets up and runs away.  We can't help ourselves though. So, here's a perfect example of what happens when two photographers (myself and Danny) get together one evening after a long day's work and start playing with the fan at Danny's studio...

During dessert tonight Finn paused and looked at me and said, "Mommy, I only eat the icing and not the cake part".  Then he sat and meticulously separated the icing from the cake as if performing some sort of surgery on the cake.  While I was watching him eat these big gobs of icing (blech!) I was struck by how fitting that statement was.  Indeed in life, Finn is all about the icing. 

He hates to get dressed in the morning (and fights it bitterly) preferring Pj's over more restrictive, scratchier clothes.  He pleads, "no hard pants!".  I go to great pains to buy him the softest, most comfortable clothes but nothing is as good as jammies.  Jammies are like the icing of clothes.  You know that feeling at the end of a long day when you slip into a great pair of comfortable pj's...ahhhh, icing baby! 

Finn has a lovey that he is completely attached to.  It used to have velvet on one side and look something like this:

Now the velvet is gone and the ruffle detailing is also gone on 2 of the 4 sides.  It used to be baby blue and now it looks more white.  It is so worn out.  It is the icing of blankets.  I'd post a picture of it but he won't let me have it long enough.

Finn likes to pour out all the hot wheels and not put them back.  He likes to splash the water out of tub, pee in the yard and snuggle with absolute abandon.  He is a consummate snuggler.  Every morning he likes to start his day sitting curled up on my lap, lovey in hand.  He'll find a perfect spot on one of the ruffles and rub it between his thumb and first finger.  He is hell on wheels but he needs a little "icing" to get him started first thing in the morning.

He started giving huge hugs early on, as a small baby.  He's sensitive and sweet.

Finn loves destruction.  He likes to cut up paper, scoop all the dirt out of the potted plants and throw the sand out of the sand box.  He's passionate.  He gets mad with passion too.  He finds it hard to not hit sometimes, cries out loud and stands his ground.  Earlier tonight when I was asking him to "make a good choice" and do what I was asking of him, he looked right at me and said, "I like to make bad choices".  He's going to do me in when he's 16.   Just like icing, he's a little quick to melt down. 

Just a second ago, he turned to me and held up his milk sippy and said, "look Mommy, it's my beer!".  He is full of personality and loves to laugh.  He's much sillier than Sayer and loves to make you laugh too.  He dances and sings.  He can be the life of the party.

He's a handful for sure but he makes me be a better parent.  His idiosyncrasies require me to be more patient.  I have to pay attention, close attention.  When I do, though, I really get to enjoy the sweet parts more.  It's like that little bit of cake in there helps the icing taste even more sweet.  Finn will learn this too as he grows up.

My best hope is that all that hedonistic fire will serve him well.  I think he's going to be strong with big opinions and a firm idea of where he wants to go.  He's not afraid to ask for what he wants and he's not bashful about the big gobs of icing on his plate either.  He knows what he likes.  He likes the icing.

I have found my favorite place on the farm.  Just a little ways off from the main house there is a grove of very tall trees.  Right in the center is a tiny house modeled after Snow White.  It has little chairs and little beds inside just like the story.  Inside the forest it is cool and very quiet except for the sound of birds and running water nearby.  Ewe planted this forest in the 70's.  He told me that his Father used to always say that when it seems like it is the end of the world, you must build or make something new.  So, in the midst of political turmoil with Allende, he planted this forest.  I have to keep this idea firmly in my mind.  It's powerful.

looking up into the canopy of trees 

perhaps the trees are watching us? 

and the little house

This is Kiki.  I think she is so beautiful!  I am hoping to get pictures of the rest of the kids today.

Today we are supposed to go see the volcano at Villarica.  I'm really excited about it.  More later!