I have a love-hate relationship with nursing. Hate is a bit strong actually. It's more accurate to say that it's a nuisance at times. I don't love the special clippy bras or the (ugh) pump. I don't love how it makes me so much bigger up top and makes my clothes fit weird. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere and not think about the feeding schedule. Yes, there are the times that I want to just let it go but then there are the other times...
The times when I'm sitting in the half light of her room and she's tucked up against me. The light from the hallway spills in and, ever so softly, skims across her face. It's a face so impossibly beautiful that I think my heart might just break from loving her. I twirl little bits of her hair in between my fingers (blonde hair, so unlike my own) and think to myself that she must have been delivered by the fairies.
Every so often I see a flash of the adult lying dormant inside her baby's face. Holding her little relaxed hand I see her Father's fingernails. Her still, slack weight rests so perfectly against the curve of my belly that may never be taught again. In that dreamy space, dark and still with only the shushing of her white noise machine, I feel so grateful.
Of course, I'll stop nursing her eventually but, for now, it's as if the universe is saying...here you go, you've worked so hard. I'm giving you this gift. Be still and enjoy it. And I do.
Kelly B says:
Spot on, Farrah! It's the best gift on Earth, for mother and child.
(10.16.12 @ 08:07 AM)
Claudia says:
beautiful...
(10.16.12 @ 09:14 PM)
Rebeca says:
Spot on Farrah! You used so many words that have run across my mind many times .. feeding schedules and nuisance. But most of those other times, it's so perfect. I look down at her little face and her blue eyes look up to meet mine, and she gives me a little grin. That reminds me that it's all worth it.
(11.03.12 @ 07:23 AM)
mia poehlmann says:
Oh Farrah, I read this before but for some reason couldn't post then...what a beautiful moment...love your writing, its like Im reading your thoughts! ;-)
(11.30.12 @ 12:15 AM)
You'll have to excuse me today, I'm tender hearted. Today my youngest child (my baby) turned 6. My eyes are pricking up with tears as I type that. I've been tearing up all day at the slightest thing. Late last night I drove home from a speaking engagement in Dallas. I was planning to stay overnight but there was an ice storm coming in and, if I stayed, I would probably be stuck for days and miss his birthday completely. Maybe it was the late hour (I didn't get home until almost 4 am) or the melancholy songs on my iPod but I think I cried off and on for the last hour and a half of the drive.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and proud too. I'm excited about the years in front of him but my heart aches at the thought that I just said goodbye to my five year old. I said goodbye to my oldest boy's 5 year old days a few years ago but the heartbreak was less because I still had my youngest behind him in age. But now, from the looks of things, I may never see 5 year old children in my house again.
My children have gifted me with the most incredible and intense love and acceptance that I have ever known. I love them in a way that I have never loved anyone. That has also been a gift. I had no idea how vulnerable I could really be. Right now they want to be held, sit on my lap and snuggle before bed. It is heaven. Their open fragility and blind love have changed me as a person and sometimes that change, that opening up of my heart, feels really scary.
Last night, with the icestorm at my back, driving home to them I felt like this moment in our lives was slipping away. I felt my babies slipping away.
Today, I want to stop this fast moving train. My heart simply can't handle the speed. I'm going to be repeating Kelly Rae's mantra to myself over and over...brave in sadness, brave in love.
So, if you see me today, I could probably use a hug. Feel free to give virtual ones too. It's only 2 pm and I still have to get through the birthday dinner tonight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and proud too. I'm excited about the years in front of him but my heart aches at the thought that I just said goodbye to my five year old. I said goodbye to my oldest boy's 5 year old days a few years ago but the heartbreak was less because I still had my youngest behind him in age. But now, from the looks of things, I may never see 5 year old children in my house again.
My children have gifted me with the most incredible and intense love and acceptance that I have ever known. I love them in a way that I have never loved anyone. That has also been a gift. I had no idea how vulnerable I could really be. Right now they want to be held, sit on my lap and snuggle before bed. It is heaven. Their open fragility and blind love have changed me as a person and sometimes that change, that opening up of my heart, feels really scary.
Last night, with the icestorm at my back, driving home to them I felt like this moment in our lives was slipping away. I felt my babies slipping away.
Today, I want to stop this fast moving train. My heart simply can't handle the speed. I'm going to be repeating Kelly Rae's mantra to myself over and over...brave in sadness, brave in love.
So, if you see me today, I could probably use a hug. Feel free to give virtual ones too. It's only 2 pm and I still have to get through the birthday dinner tonight.
Bonnie Ann Sexton says:
Hugs to a special Mom!
(02.09.11 @ 02:19 PM)
Nancy Guerrero says:
Oh, Farrah ... a big hug from Gizelle and I. I'm starting to understand the phrase "they grow so quickly"
(02.09.11 @ 02:24 PM)
Jenny Staff Johnson says:
Hugs and love to you & the fam, especially the birthday boy! Very moving post, Farrah; remember the best is yet to come....
(02.09.11 @ 02:29 PM)
Amy Bergman says:
Please give my man a hug and kiss for me and tell him I am so sorry I missed his last birthday in Room 8. Now I'm gonna cry! He's so lucky to have a mom who loves him like you do, but more so a mom that "get's him" like you do!
Love, Amy
(02.09.11 @ 02:32 PM)
Jennifer says:
Aww... made me tear up as well. Hugs to both of you. Happy Birthday Finn -- Allison really misses you.
(02.09.11 @ 03:25 PM)
Playcrane says:
HUG! I can relate. My baby boy turns 6 next month. Perhaps the sadness comes from the idea that 6 doesn't sound like a bag anymore.
(02.09.11 @ 08:12 PM)
Michael says:
Farrah, I enjoyed your program so much. Thank you for coming to Dallas to share your thoughts. I am so glad you made it home safe and could be with your son on such an important day. God Bless.
Michael
(02.10.11 @ 11:22 AM)
carly says:
tear, tear....hugs to you, you brave sentamentalist. i too share your pain and glee watching M turn from baby to big sis
(02.10.11 @ 03:50 PM)
Crackle Bingham says:
You got me in tears too! My baby hit double digits last week, my big boy hits 12 tomorrow... time is so fast all of a sudden it seems they hit 5 and bam you are in the speed tunnel.
(02.10.11 @ 05:41 PM)
Rebeca says:
Farrah: Although I've spoken to you a few brief times at the guild meetings, I've learned so much from you. These past two posts make me relate to you even further. I see myself in your shoes. In one hand my career wanting to expand, with so many personal dreams, in my other I hold my two boys, whom I want to enjoy every single day because I don't want to miss their childhood. They are 5 and almost 3. Everything you said above, I agree.... their incredible love and acceptance, the fast moving train.... So well said. I hope your birthday boy had a great day yesterday!
(02.10.11 @ 07:10 PM)
Farrah Braniff says:
Carly- brave sentimentalist huh? :) Yes, I guess that's very true!
Thanks to all for the virtual love and hugs! I can't tell you how much I appreciate them!
(02.20.11 @ 04:10 PM)
mia says:
its awesome to read this now and see how you thought there would not be another 5 yr old in your house. (sniff sniff) I love it! Farrah, just FYI if you ever need it, I live in Dallas and have a spare room. It is yours! But there was quite the ice storm, since this is around superbowl, and so you might have been pretty smart to run! LOL! but even though you may be great now, I still send a hug - save it for when you need it again! :-) Ask Rhett, I give great hugs!
(07.11.11 @ 05:21 PM)
This self reflection, put myself out there, show my art, change my life project is getting difficult. I'm stuck weighing out some really tough decisions about the direction I am taking. The easy part of my resolution is over. I took my art work to get photographed and I found out the submission deadline for a gallery I'd like to see my work in. I adjusted my schedule and I signed up for a workshop with a fellow artist. I started the process and checked off the fairly easy stuff but now the process is getting scary and difficult. I'm left with the much bigger decisions.
I spent the last week at a photography convention in San Antonio. I mentioned my resolution to a few other photographers and almost all of them agreed that their business had taken over their life and they were having a hard time balancing it all. I know I'm not alone in this fight. Part of me thinks it would just be so much easier to stay right where I am and do exactly what I'm doing and just try and do it better. That is a known quantity you see. The other part tells me to shake it up, fearlessly.
Right now I am working through a tough decision having to do with my current studio space that may entail a move in a few months. I cannot tell you how badly I do NOT want to move. Moves are distracting, expensive and difficult. This potential move may open some new doors though and help make some of my other projects move forward in new ways. The part of me that wants to just bury my head in the status quo and not change anything is worried about how my clients might perceive another move. Will they like a new space as much as my current one? The adventurous side of me sees the possibilities. The business side of me sees how it would make fiscal sense. The doubtful side of me is feeling, well, doubtful and distrusting.
(If you love this new image, entitled Dormant, it is available in my Etsy shop)
I'm trying to let all this sink in and not rush to decide anything but that's just uncomfortable. I want it to be decided and, preferably, by someone else who is never wrong. Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
My Dad used to always tell me to go with my gut. It'll never steer me wrong. My gut feelings just aren't speaking very loud and clear at the moment.
On wednesday, I took my group of Hope Stone photo students to Hermann Park to shoot. All the while my thoughts were about all of this and it's amazing to me how much I see that in these images.
I'm going to try and adopt Kelly Rae's mantra of "brave in sadness, brave in love" and perhaps alter it to be something like, "brave in uncertainty, brave in hope".
Jamie Reichman says:
Poignant post. I came across a Chinese proverb this morning that might be applicable- "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still." I always have fear when I am about to embark on a major change in my life. But, so far, every change I've made has either allowed for immense growth in the positive direction, or has resulted in a small step back with a huge lesson attached. And I'm not really sure if I believe if "all things happen for a reason" or not- but we recently had a decision to make- thought we had made the right one, ended up trying to force it to happen the way we had decided, and then discovered that what we had decided was not meant to be after all. But we've learned so much through it all that will help us make a much better decision next time. And if you find you absolutely cannot decide, if it's possible, maybe take a step back, and allow yourself and the decision to breathe a little. Sometimes if you're too close to something, it's impossible to focus which one is the "right" decision. I'm also choosing to focus on a personal project this year and possibly a huge move- I am completely exhilarated and terrified at the same time. I think it's a good place to be. And I've made the decision that no matter what happens, 2011 is going to be an awesome year. It was great to meet you at IUSA. Good luck with your decisions.
(01.20.11 @ 11:52 PM)
Veronique says:
Farrah, Go for it!
After the fact, you will never regret leaping into the unknow, there will always be wonderful lessons and opportunities, sometimes things you never even imagined. What you will regret is staying with the status quo, and not moving forward. How about " Brave in fear, and brave in joy." ? xoxox VV
(01.25.11 @ 08:15 PM)
Veronique says:
Farrah, Go for it!
After the fact, you will never regret leaping into the unknown, there will always be wonderful lessons and opportunities, sometimes things you never even imagined. What you will regret is staying with the status quo, and not moving forward. How about " Brave in fear, and brave in joy." ? xoxox VV
(01.25.11 @ 08:16 PM)
This year I resolve to be brave. I am not going to be afraid to wear my
heart on my sleeve. I am going to reach out. I am going to take that big
first step.
Let me give you a little back story. I have been an artist for a long time. I went to an art high school and then on to a fine art college. During all those years in art school I got indoctrinated as to what "art" was and was not. What "fine art" was and what it was not. There was art that got hung in galleries and museums ("fine art") and then there was what I actually do now, commercial portrait photography. Polar. It was drummed into me that you either made this high, conceptual fine art or you took cheesy pictures of families all grouped together on a hay-bale or all dressed in black turtlenecks in front of the faux library background. There didn't seem to be any middle ground and, for a long time, I couldn't see myself in either place.
Obviously, the world of portrait photography has evolved (I can assure you that I do not have a single hay-bale or library backdrop) and the world of art has opened up in a lot of different ways too. Artists are finding all sorts of creative ways to gain exposure for their work and earn a living off of it. Sadly, while the world may have changed, I still hold on to those learned ideas that what I do for a living isn't really art. So, for me I have to compartmentalize my work. I have the work that I create at the studio for clients, the images that I take in my daily life and travels, and then the (what I still perceive to be more "real art") artwork that I make on my own. They are like three separate parts of myself.
I haven't pursued showing my personal art work because I wasn't sure if it was good enough or if people would take me seriously. After all, I don't have an MFA or a long list of gallery shows and (gasp) I own a portrait studio! I have sabotaged my own efforts to finish a photographic how-to book that I have been working on because I was busy second guessing it and trying to make it perfect. Today, I have resolved, that the fear and second-guessing has to go! So what if my art sits on Etsy and no one purchases it. So what if a gallery sees that I have work on Etsy and that I photograph babies for a living and that makes them not take me seriously as an artist. So what if I never get a gallery show. So what if I finish the photography book and no one buys it. So what if someone else writes one after me (or before me) and theirs is a bestseller. So what if I take time away from my studio to put energy into all of this only to come up empty handed and wondering, what next? So what. At least there is a "next". There can't be a "next" if you're resolved to stand still. Right?
Starting with this blog post, I am going to push past my fear, create a timeline for finishing my book, and I am going to make this the year that I put my personal artwork out into the world. I am going to find a way for all of the previously polarized selves to come together. One of the ways that I am planning on making this happen is to chronicle the journey here on my blog. My hope is that you will read along as I take nervous steps into new arenas and that, knowing you are there reading as I go, will help me be braver.
I am going to be channeling Kelly Rae as I tell my story and take the first steps of submitting my work to shows and opening up an Etsy shop to sell my work. I'm going to trust my friend Brene Brown as I embrace the fear knowing that it is essential if I want to experience the joy as well. Brene's own career has shown me that you can live in many worlds at once and do amazing work on your own terms. I'm going to re-read Lynne Twist, Seth Godin and Hugh McLeod for inspiration. I'm going to have to say no to certain things in order to create space for the hard work that I have in front of me. I'm going to try and be my truest self all in one piece - integrated, brave and vulnerable.
So, my dear blog friends, here is an image of one of my favorite art pieces. It is called "Where You End, I". This collage was created after my uncle passed away. It's about marriage, love and how our experiences along the way shape who we are. It's about connection.
Let me give you a little back story. I have been an artist for a long time. I went to an art high school and then on to a fine art college. During all those years in art school I got indoctrinated as to what "art" was and was not. What "fine art" was and what it was not. There was art that got hung in galleries and museums ("fine art") and then there was what I actually do now, commercial portrait photography. Polar. It was drummed into me that you either made this high, conceptual fine art or you took cheesy pictures of families all grouped together on a hay-bale or all dressed in black turtlenecks in front of the faux library background. There didn't seem to be any middle ground and, for a long time, I couldn't see myself in either place.
Obviously, the world of portrait photography has evolved (I can assure you that I do not have a single hay-bale or library backdrop) and the world of art has opened up in a lot of different ways too. Artists are finding all sorts of creative ways to gain exposure for their work and earn a living off of it. Sadly, while the world may have changed, I still hold on to those learned ideas that what I do for a living isn't really art. So, for me I have to compartmentalize my work. I have the work that I create at the studio for clients, the images that I take in my daily life and travels, and then the (what I still perceive to be more "real art") artwork that I make on my own. They are like three separate parts of myself.
I haven't pursued showing my personal art work because I wasn't sure if it was good enough or if people would take me seriously. After all, I don't have an MFA or a long list of gallery shows and (gasp) I own a portrait studio! I have sabotaged my own efforts to finish a photographic how-to book that I have been working on because I was busy second guessing it and trying to make it perfect. Today, I have resolved, that the fear and second-guessing has to go! So what if my art sits on Etsy and no one purchases it. So what if a gallery sees that I have work on Etsy and that I photograph babies for a living and that makes them not take me seriously as an artist. So what if I never get a gallery show. So what if I finish the photography book and no one buys it. So what if someone else writes one after me (or before me) and theirs is a bestseller. So what if I take time away from my studio to put energy into all of this only to come up empty handed and wondering, what next? So what. At least there is a "next". There can't be a "next" if you're resolved to stand still. Right?
Starting with this blog post, I am going to push past my fear, create a timeline for finishing my book, and I am going to make this the year that I put my personal artwork out into the world. I am going to find a way for all of the previously polarized selves to come together. One of the ways that I am planning on making this happen is to chronicle the journey here on my blog. My hope is that you will read along as I take nervous steps into new arenas and that, knowing you are there reading as I go, will help me be braver.
I am going to be channeling Kelly Rae as I tell my story and take the first steps of submitting my work to shows and opening up an Etsy shop to sell my work. I'm going to trust my friend Brene Brown as I embrace the fear knowing that it is essential if I want to experience the joy as well. Brene's own career has shown me that you can live in many worlds at once and do amazing work on your own terms. I'm going to re-read Lynne Twist, Seth Godin and Hugh McLeod for inspiration. I'm going to have to say no to certain things in order to create space for the hard work that I have in front of me. I'm going to try and be my truest self all in one piece - integrated, brave and vulnerable.
So, my dear blog friends, here is an image of one of my favorite art pieces. It is called "Where You End, I". This collage was created after my uncle passed away. It's about marriage, love and how our experiences along the way shape who we are. It's about connection.
Brene Brown says:
Absolutely beautiful. The words. The honesty and vulnerability. And, the art!
(01.02.11 @ 09:21 AM)
Corin Hianes says:
I love this post and applaud you. My art has always revolved around me singing and for too long I have not tried to create with my hands and my camera. I was told at school that I could not draw. Having just turned 40, I have resolved to make this a year and decade of learning, creating and exploring.
(01.02.11 @ 09:32 AM)
Debra Kreps says:
My touchstone word for 2010 was BRAVE. It took me into, and through, situations I never dreamed possible. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Be amazed by where it takes you.
Wishing you luck and joy on the journey. :)
(01.02.11 @ 09:32 AM)
Nikki Leonard says:
Very inspirational; just what I needed to hear! I too need to create a timeline to finish my book - sounds like this afternoon's task. And I love your collage and portraits!
(01.02.11 @ 09:41 AM)
Jeroen van Zelst says:
Good luck with this inspiring resolution! Putting this out here seems to be a great way to start, and after seeing your portraits and collage there's no doubt in my mind that you'll succeed.
(01.02.11 @ 09:52 AM)
sperlygirl says:
way to put it out there, farrah! YES!! here's to opening your heart wide and stepping with courage. :) warmly.
(01.02.11 @ 11:09 AM)
Kathee Waterhouse says:
I'll join you in your quest and courage to make art that is personal and matters to you, I am a mature 2nd year fine art student in the UK, I love your photography and your wonderful collage, I've just ordered Brene Browns latest book, so vulnerability and courage here we both come x
(01.02.11 @ 11:10 AM)
KimBoo York says:
What an inspiring message! Thank you - I have done the same thing in regards to my writing ("how will anyone take my literature seriously if they know I also write a self-help blog/romance novels/etc.???"). You are RIGHT, though - there is no "next" if we're standing still, and this is the year to put myself and my writing - ALL of my writing - out into the world. \o/
::::kbs
(01.02.11 @ 12:19 PM)
Lisa Guida says:
I love your collage - we all want connections yet sometimes it seems to much to say it outloud. be brave - back in 1976 as summerrecommended reading before attending The Maryland Institute of Art (only a on semester attendee) I read Ben Shahn's book the Shape of Content. I still have it - waterlogged, dogeared and treasured. The best section is "The education of an Artist" If you haven't read it I think you will love it. Embrace your uncertainty!
(01.02.11 @ 06:09 PM)
Julie Schultz says:
LOVE THIS!!!
(01.03.11 @ 10:08 AM)
tynan says:
great post farrah! your words inspire me to be more brave in 2011. I took some baby steps toward a huge dream of mine in 2010 and so far it has opened up great opportunities and allowed me to meet amazing people. 2011 will be a great year--good luck to you!
(01.03.11 @ 07:55 PM)
Farrah Braniff says:
THANK YOU everyone! I am overwhelmed by all the encouragement in your comments! Yes, let's charge on!
(01.04.11 @ 11:45 AM)
Trish Badger says:
Thanks for you honesty and inspiration! I LOVE your artwork, including your photos!
(05.09.11 @ 01:30 PM)
And the moon sees me.
Thank you moon for being there whenever I look up in the late afternoon or night sky. You follow me around even when I don't notice you. Every day you offer me something new - a different side of you. Sometimes you are small and delicate and remind me of one of my favorite lines in a country song...
"It's a a quarter moon in a 10 cent town. Time for me to lay my heartaches down. Saturday night gonna make myself a name, take a month of Sundays to try and explain..."
Sometimes you're big and orange and remind me of the first time I saw snow. I was in my twenties and road tripping through Colorado. I woke up in the car to the sound of Neil Young's Harvest Moon and snow was all around, glittering as the sun came up.
I'm not sure why (a myth?) but, when you are full, I always think something strange might happen and that makes me kind of nervously excited. Thank you for taking me by surprise so many times. You are quiet, ever present and keep so many things in balance down here on Earth. You are under appreciated.
You caught my eye today as I was walking to my car after a late afternoon photo session in the park. I appreciate how you always help divert my attention to the larger things in life and not all the small, tangled thoughts in my head. I cannot imagine our Earthly sky without you.
----
How about you guys? Any favorite shots this Friday? Please submit them to our Favorite Shot Friday Flickr pool or leave links to them in the comments below. Happy weekend my friends!
Thank you moon for being there whenever I look up in the late afternoon or night sky. You follow me around even when I don't notice you. Every day you offer me something new - a different side of you. Sometimes you are small and delicate and remind me of one of my favorite lines in a country song..."It's a a quarter moon in a 10 cent town. Time for me to lay my heartaches down. Saturday night gonna make myself a name, take a month of Sundays to try and explain..."
Sometimes you're big and orange and remind me of the first time I saw snow. I was in my twenties and road tripping through Colorado. I woke up in the car to the sound of Neil Young's Harvest Moon and snow was all around, glittering as the sun came up.
I'm not sure why (a myth?) but, when you are full, I always think something strange might happen and that makes me kind of nervously excited. Thank you for taking me by surprise so many times. You are quiet, ever present and keep so many things in balance down here on Earth. You are under appreciated.
You caught my eye today as I was walking to my car after a late afternoon photo session in the park. I appreciate how you always help divert my attention to the larger things in life and not all the small, tangled thoughts in my head. I cannot imagine our Earthly sky without you.
----
How about you guys? Any favorite shots this Friday? Please submit them to our Favorite Shot Friday Flickr pool or leave links to them in the comments below. Happy weekend my friends!