For the last week, one of my very best friends has been in town. Her name is Wendy and she lives in Austria now. We've known each other since we were 14. That is a staggering 26 years. We met on the first day of the 9th grade at the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts. I met Kristen that day too. We're also still friends to this day. They are the people who know the most about me. They know so much about me that no single incident holds much weight. I am seen as the sum of my moments and not a single moment. I see them exactly the same way. They can behave badly or say something that gives me pause. They can dress weird or (when we were younger) start dating somebody strange (we are all married now). They can even be a bad friend. You just take it in all in stride. They are here to stay and no matter what crazy thing they say or do, they are mine and I am theirs.
(me and my friend, Julia, circa 1993-94)
The older I get, the foggier it seems to get. Sometimes the true essence of me seems to get blurrier. It's all diluted and obscured by children, work, marriage and the stresses of everyday life. I don't feel like the same girl that's in those pictures...not even the ones from a mere 10 years ago. I know that I am the same in a lot of ways but something's different. Tonight when Wendy left, I cried. We always do that when she leaves to go back to Europe. Part of it is just missing a dear friend and knowing it will be summer (at least) before I see her again. The other part is the part of me that feels so much more like myself when she is here. It's just easy. I don't edit what I have to say. There's no posturing because we can see through that stuff anyway so why bother. She's seen so many of my awkward moments and my various growing pains that playing anything off is just silly. It's liberating to be in that space with someone and it's really sad to see it go.
(Wendy and I, circa 1986)
I think we all try and hide our darkest parts from each other out of fear of being judged. The thing is, I love Wendy and Kristen's darkness. Their deepest, darkest moments are part of what makes me love them so. What's even better is that, around them, I love my darkness too.
(I love this image b/c it has 4 of my other longtime friends in it. Top left: Indy & David Bottom: Carlos and Gwen)
(Wendy, circa 1987)
(A photograph of me, taken by my longtime friend Anissa, circa 1993)
I've alway loved this picture of me. That says quite a bit because I don't normally like pictures of myself. I love the heart shaped shadow over my eye. I love how it's resting in the windowsill of my post college Austin house next to a pile of snake skins and a weird plastic religious statue and, what, a geode maybe? I remember the leather jacket that I'm wearing. It was my favorite and it had velvet cuffs. I like how I'm looking straight into the camera.
This year, I made the resolution to put more of myself out there. I feel like I am unearthing something...my art and maybe even the girl in that picture. I'm doing my very best to let myself be seen. I said, "goodbye", to Wendy today but I am going to try and hold on to the feeling of being seen and known. It's so much nicer than the alternative.
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Julie Schultz says:
I love this post. It reminds me of my friendship with my high school friends.
I love when you say" They can even be a bad friend. You just take it in all in stride. They are here to stay and no matter what crazy thing they say or do, they are mine and I am theirs". That is exactly how I feel my old friends or as I like to call them Sista's from anotha Mista!
Love your pictures! I'm going home today and pull our our old photos.
Thanks for sharing Farrah!
(01.11.11 @ 10:20 AM)